Reconciling Two Loves: Motherhood and Horses

Horses will always be waiting for you,” is a well-intentioned reassurance uttered too frequently and exclusively by loved ones who’ve never experienced the isolation of a hiatus from horses. My fiancé offered me the same phrase following the doctor’s orders to stop riding due to minor pregnancy complications that could worsen by the turbulence of a moving horse. This temporary farewell to my lifelong passion served as my first sacrifice of motherhood, and I felt the significance of it at the time.

As my baby grew, my doubt and desperation developed along with him. An unbridgeable gap seemed to expand, separating my will to be a great mother from the possibility of reuniting with horses. My time and energy belonged to my son and the thought of getting back into the saddle was only a nostalgic dream. Plus, how could a mother justify briefly abandoning her child for her own enjoyment, no matter how much she missed her cherished, magical creatures? Guilt stabbed me every time my mind wandered from focusing on the needs of the baby, but I couldn’t resist reminiscing over my old life as an equestrian.

My previous self was free, only barely bounded by the seemingly trivial responsibilities of studying for my college courses and showing up at the barn to ride. My only stressors included improving control of my seat, balancing more effectively in my heels, and maximizing opportunities to be in the saddle as often as possible. Life was simple, fun, and my perception of the future was filled with horses. Though I felt young and full of potential, only hindsight allowed me to see that I was missing key traits to truly develop as a horseperson.

Particularly, he showed me my capacity for patience, which uprooted my tempered proclivities; compassion replaced apathy, generosity proliferated, and I withered out of the center of my